Sunday, February 17, 2013

Fight the good fight.

I'm trying.  I mean, I'm really trying.  At least that's what I tell myself when I step on the scale or in those moments of fantasy when I forget what I've actually eaten that day.  There are days when I can pull through, force myself through the tiredness, and get in a good workout or run.  I only sleep through the night about 1 out of every 10 nights so some days it is really tough.  But missing exercise has only been a small part of how I'm failing.

When I'm tired I am so weak to the temptations of food.  I get incredible cravings for bad food and I make lame excuses and slide back into old habits.  And what pisses me off the most about this is the way I rationalize my behavior:

"I'm so tired"
"This is the last time"
"I lifted/ran yesterday"

One excuse after another and it just crushes my psyche; one display of a weak personality after another.

Every time I've written in this blog about some sea-change in my life I've really meant it.  I feel it in my gut that I've finally had that moment of clarity that has changed my life.

Maybe that's part of my problem.  Maybe I need to quit waiting for that magical "Biggest Loser" moment when something clicks in my brain and I never struggle with food again.  Because I don't really believe those exist.  I may some day discover why I sabotage myself with food but I'll still have bad days when I will be tempted to comfort myself with a Big Mac.

New plan:

  1. Write more.  It hadn't occurred to me I was waiting for an epiphany to change my feelings about food until I started writing this today.  I hide from my feelings a lot.  I have ADHD and it's hard for me to think deeply about anything without putting it in print.
  2. Understand every day that I'm going to get hungry and crave something bad for me.  For the rest of my life.  Every day I'm going to have my priorities challenged.  It's going to be a long fight.  Triathlon won't fix that.  There is no magic.
  3. Meditate.  I've said this before.  It's supposed to be very good for people with focus issues and I don't take enough time every day to just stop, turn everything off and be quiet.  I find exercise meditative (long swims are the closest to Zen I ever get) but on long days I don't get in a quality workout I need to make time to calm my brain and just breathe.
  4. Sign up for a race.  My wife and I have decided the Cincinnati Rat Race 10K will be a great sprint event to aim for.  I have time to get the distance and I need the motivation.
It's time to quit waiting for it all to come together and just start fighting.  I think I can do it.